Hey,
I haven't been on here in a long time. Lots of reasons for it, my
life has been completely insane in the past year. Really, right now I
just need to rant. A good, long, hard rant. This one is going to be
about teen pregnancy and pretty much every aspect around it as well
as everything that has been going on in my life. For those of you who
read my blog and do not know this- I am 35 weeks pregnant right now.
Yes, 17 and pregnant. My life has changed drastically in the past
year or so. I went from living with my adoptive family, always was
the “good girl”, had very high morals and beliefs, had good
friends, all of that kind of stuff. Well in the past year I have left
'home', lost many people who I really cared about and deeply loved, I
have been homeless living on the streets and in shelters with some
very dangerous teenage guys, been through quite a few dangerous
situations, lived with people I didn't know, moved from one province
to another and back again, been in and out of school, when I found
out I was pregnant I lost my job and the place I was renting, just
insane things. I hate talking about it because I really don't like
sounding negative. And really, that all sounds insanely negative, but
it's not. I would never go back and change a single thing. Every
little thing that has happened has made me who I am right now (and I
like myself much better than I did before), and I believe that
everything really does happen for a reason. I've learnt so much about
myself, I've met some wonderful and amazing people, even through
complete chaos I have been so blessed, and I have learnt who belongs
in my life, who really doesn't, who truly loves and cares for me, and
who never really did. Or at least now it seems that they never really
did. Btw, if you're reading this, I'm sure you know EXACTLY who you
are. Yes, I am still a strong Christian. I love the Lord with my
whole heart, even more now than ever. I have been put into so many
situations where I have been forced to trust him with every little
thing in my life. Because of that, I find it much easier to just let
things go and trust Him now. And I'm sure you all know that is not
easy to do. We always want to take control of our own lives.
Unfortunately, I can't do that. I've been forced to trust God and be
completely dependant on him for all of my needs. Any ways, that's
plenty about my life and I'm sure I'll end up ranting while I rant
about other things. So to move on!
A note to other young woman:
If
you are one of those girls that are trying to get pregnant,
seriously, STOP IT. Not a smart move, at all. For one, pregnancy is
not a fun thing. At all. I guess it could be at the right time, but
at a young age, it's not fun. There are so many things to consider.
Where are you going to end up living? How are you going to get
income? Is that guy REALLY going to end up staying? Are you sure?
Positive? Here's some things to think about. In the first year alone,
raising a child can cost up to $10,000 or more. Where's that money
going to come from? Trust me, in most places you can NOT count on the
government and welfare for help. It is not that simple. I've been
trying to get income assistance for a year now and it's gotten
absolutely no where. Think about that little baby, such a beautiful
and precious thing. You want him/her to be in a stable home. So you
really think you'll be stable? Doubt it, you'll most likely end up
moving from one place to another, he/she will constantly have to be
in daycare so you can either go to school or work to provide for the
both of you. You don't even know the daycare people, there actually
are some abusive and not so great daycares out there that really are
not trustworthy. Daycare itself can cost around $500 per month, most
likely more. Then there's rent, food, diapers (diapers are insanely
expensive. Usually around $40 per box), if you're not breastfeeding
baby formula is about $30 per can and a lot of babies can go through
one can per week. That's just a couple things, there's so many other
costs that I'm just not going to begin naming off. Just trying to
support yourself at a young age is very difficult, let alone
supporting yourself as a young adult plus a little baby. That baby is
small, he/she can not provide for their own needs. They are
COMPLETELY dependent on you. Things so not always go as you expect,
things get messed up, crazy things happen. At such a young age, I
honestly believe that no one is ready to be a mother. There is your
whole life ahead of you to do other things as have kids, why now? Now
you need to focus on other things like getting your life moving. Why
would you want to put yourself through something that would cause you
to struggle for the rest of your life? Think about all that before
trying to get pregnant. I do understand that there are so many
accidental pregnancies, like mine of course. But once again that goes
to show how things never seem to go as planned. As for the girls like
me who had an accidental pregnancy and stuck it through, congrats.
Yes it is very difficult, but with the right support it is possible
so don't give up. And no, for the ones who want to get pregnant, that
is not saying “it's possible, so go get pregnant”. It is HARD
FREAKING WORK. Okay? I think I got my point across so far. Take it
from someone who knows and has been there. As for me, I have chosen
to do an open adoption because I know I am not at all ready to be a
mother. As well as my life has been so insane and unstable, it would
not be fair at all to bring a baby into my situation. She deserves so
much better, she deserves to be in a stable home and have a good
stable life. The father is still very involved, he is still with me.
I know I have been so blessed with him and by him. He is so amazing
to me, and I could not thank God more for putting him in my life. I
have never felt as loved by anyone as I do by him. It is so rare for
a 17 year old guy to stick around, and I am sure that he wanted at
some point to run when he found out about this pregnancy. He is such
an amazing person though, and I do trust that he won't leave me. He's
been the only one to stick with me through everything in my life,
I've known him since I was 3 years old, we actually grew up in Sunday
school together. Point is, I couldn't be more blessed by such an
amazing man. Without him, there's no way I would have made it this
far. I would have given up a couple months ago. And by given up, I
mean on life in general. Gone. Any ways, moving on again!
A note to the mothers, family, friends of a young woman (or any woman really) who is pregnant or in need:
Don't
give up on them. That is the worst possible thing you could do. She
will need your support every step of the way. If you give up on her
or “lose” contact with her over time, I can pretty much promise
that she will either hate you, or struggle a lot with being very
bitter towards you. Yes, I am talking from experience. As to
Christian mums, you can talk all you want about purity and
abstinence, but ultimately it will be her own choice. If she makes a
decision you don't like, be a proper mother and for goodness sakes
support her in any way you can!!! Same goes for the friends and other
family members! Do you REALLY think it's going to help anything if
you just drop her in her time of need? How is she going to feel if
you give up just because she strayed away from the beliefs you want
her to have. Guess what? She's her own person, you can't control her,
so stop trying to and stop expecting her to do everything the way you
want her to do it. If she doesn't do things your way, get over it and
accept her as she is. A woman in need, needs a lot of support. A
pregnant woman in need, needs even more support. If people start
leaving her life because she made choices that they didn't like,
that's going to throw her into a depression and she will pretty much
hate you for the rest of her life. I think. Or be bitter, I don't
hate. I'm just quite bitter, try very hard not to be, but I struggle
a lot with it. A motherly figure is very important when a girl is
going through a rough time, and a real mother will not abandon her
girl. I am saying this for a reason, and once again because it does
connect to me. I'm going to be completely honestly about all of this
because I have been insanely hurt in the past while and really just
need to get it all out. When I left home, so many people just dropped
me like a dirty penny. Thinking back, it's been so long that I
couldn't even remember to tell you the exact reasons why I left and
how everything happened. Can't remember, I know I made a lot of very
dumb mistake and did lots of dumb things, but I've forgiven myself
and let go of all that a long time ago. I don't let people bring it
up with me any more, it's just something I'm not willing to discuss.
As to the people I hurt, I understand I hurt you. But I also
apologized sincerely. Whether you believe it was sincere or not, I
really don't care any more. I'm not going to continue living like I'm
walking on egg shells around you just because you don't trust an
apology or don't think I really want to work things out. Yeah, I used
to struggle with lying and sneaking around. But that's far in the
past, I couldn't be more open than I am now. I couldn't care less to
lie to anyone about anything. The reason I say this publicly is
because I feel it needs to be said. I need people to realize that I
have tried to change things, it is not at all my fault if the people
will not accept it. As for all of this, I am talking about Diane (my
adoptive mum, no I do not call her my mom any longer nor do I plan on
starting again). As well as my adoptive family and my old friends. I
know I did wrong things, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to just
drop me and refuse to forgive me. You drop me because I didn't live
up to your idea of Christian beliefs, but where in the bible does it
tell you to abandon someone when they're struggling? Even if you
think I'm some bad person, guess what? The Lord ate his dinner with
the adulterers and the tax collectors, not the people who were
already doing well. I think I'm going to end on that note. I'm pretty
sure I got all the points across that I was trying to. If I was even
trying to get points across. To be honest, I don't even know if I
was. I am so tired right now and just had way too much going through
my mind. I needed to get it out somehow, and remembered that I have
this blog. I should have been sleeping about 5-6 hours ago. If you
managed to read and follow all of this, thank you so much I promise I
really do appreciate it. If not, I really don't blame you one bit. I
filled up just over 2 pages on my document. Please leave a comment
telling me what you think of all this. If you think I got a little
too personal and harsh at some points... That's okay. I'm pretty sure
I did, and I'm pretty sure I'll realize that tomorrow when I'm more
awake. Unfortunately, I do not plan on changing it, sorry! Any ways,
good night everyone. Thank you for listening/reading my insane rants
about things.
Keep
your head up and trust God!
